Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Didnt Happen

I went to my new job all excited and got on the train at 7.30am. The station was getting a bit busy and then the train pulled in.  I could not believe it, every carriage was packed and I started to feel a bit odd.  I got on anyway, no seats available, and stood there squashed a bit but holding on and keeping my bag tight to my body.  As the train went on to other stations it was getting worse and started to feel rather odd.  By the time I got off to my destination I felt quite shaky, irritated and anxious.

I stepped off the train at Denmark Hill Station and to exit you have to go up 3 sets of stairs and believe me when I say this, it came to a standstill.  I got about 3 steps up and a queue formed. However, even though you stop others behind you are pushing and pushing and pushing and I was getting rather angry.  The shaking began again and eventually after about 5 minutes it started moving again and at the top of the stairs, I eventually swiped out with my oyster amongst a crazy crowd all going in the same direction.  I hated it, hated, hated it and knew I was going to spend the day worrying about commuting home.

I walked to Kings College Hospital to start my new day and pulled myself together to concentrate on the day ahead.  I enjoyed it, it was a lovely non rushed day of learning new things and by 4pm I was starting to get a bit anxious again because of the thought of going back on the commute.

I left at 5pm and started the journey back and it was horrendous.  Getting on the train you are squashed in and if your not quick enough to step on, you get pushed.  I do not know how I didnt turn round and say a few curse words.  Again, it was standing room only,  it was packed solid until 3 stops away from my stop and felt really anxious and shaky.  I spoke to my partner when I got home, (he does not live with me at the moment) and did not say anything about it because I knew he would be disappointed too but in the end, he was understanding.

I then spent the rest of the night not sleeping, crying, breathing strangely and getting terrible scenarios in my head of what could happen on that commute.  By 5am I decided that I could not cope with commuting like that no matter what the wage was, and e-mailed the manager to say the job was not for me due to the commute.  She was disappointed but not half as disappointed as I was because I never knew I would be like that on the train at peak time.  I know that the past year has caused me a lot of anxieties and effected my depression quite bad to the point of a breakdown in July but never thought it would affect me the way it has.  My family have all said the same thing and now its something else to cope with.

I spent the next few days at the lowest point, feeling sorry for myself, not wanting to get out of bed, not knowing how to cope anymore and feeling like it is just another let down in life.  My eldest son would ring me a couple of times a day to see if I was ok and each time I would just be crying and it has only been about a week now that I have stopped the random crying sessions.  I have continued applying for jobs every single day, sometimes twice a day and as of yesterday, after a second interview I now have another job offer which I start on Monday.   It is still roughly an hour commute but it is only one long bus ride which I am fine with so I have that to look forward to.  I will not say anymore about that just yet because I do not want to jinx it.

So for now I am hoping and praying that I can keep positive and that my life settles down a bit.  What I do want to say is that if you are one of those people that commutes at peak time no matter where you live, what job you do etc can you please give a bit of understanding to the people around you on the trains, buses, trams etc.

Friday, 6 October 2017

What shall I call her....

I cracked on and knitted up the bear for my Grandchild and oh boy, it was so quick to knit.  In fact I had not realised I was sitting at my dinner table (like I am now) knitting away and watching podcasts for about 4 hours sitting in one position. 

My back was aching and so were my hands so I had to rest for a while and made a plan that on Thursday I will do a big tidy up in my bedroom, move a bit of furniture, smash up an old chest of drawers that had seen better days in the back bedroom and hopefully, by early afternoon get on with finishing the bear.   Well, I did and felt rather pleased with myself for doing that flipping bedroom because it was getting a bit cluttered and there was crap in corners that just needed sorting.  So around 1230 hrs I was ready for a cuppa and to settle down with completing the bear.  I did stay up quite late (9.30pm which is late for me) to try and finish it but I was too tired so today I got up, made a cuppa and finished the pockets which is all I had to do.

So the dilemma that I have now is to name her...any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  I have called her Myabear on Ravelry.com but I am not sure.  Here is a photo of her and she puts a smile on my face.

This morning I popped out to the Heathway to get myself some hair colour to blend away the stubborn grey that appears rather too quickly for my liking and also bought a small notebook to put in my bag ready for my new job on Monday.  I am really really really looking forward to it, these past few months being off work has been soul destroying at times.

So I am now going to start another project and chill before Frank gets home.

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

This morning

I made myself go out today for at least a short while and I intended to go to a bakers in Upminster to get some sour dough bread, one for the freezer and one to use.  I love this bread and with a decent butter and cheese it's even better.

So I got out the door about 9.30am and sitting on the bench at the platform the information  board said delays.   I was freezing sitting there so took this picture
and then got the train to go to Dagenham East Station which is where the delay was and got two buses to Upminster. 

I got the bread which was cheaper than Percy Ingles bakers which is unusual because the bakers in Upminster is known to be pricey.  After that I popped into Roomes which has a small habedashary section and I treated myself to this 
 The pattern book and four balls of Sirdar Snowflake came to £17 and I will be making two teddies. One each for my grand children.  I can use the Paintbox Double knit for the clothes.   

I then went into Marks and Spencer and got a bar of chocolate for a gift and a selection box of chocolates that were half price which are also a Christmas gift.  
They were originally £6 but got them for £3 and the date on them to use by is August 2018.  

I approached a friend on Ravelry a few days ago who lives in USA and asked if she wanted to do a Christmas Swap and she said she would love to so the bar of chocolate I got out of Marks and Spencer is a start for her box. I don't think they have a Marks and Spencer in USA. 

After that I got back to the train station and the District line was ok now and got the train straight home.  I then had a cuppa and watched podcasts and started on the teddy pattern.  

Now I am in bed and planning tomorrow to have a good clean because I may have someone to view my home for an exchange the weekend.  So I will say goodnight and hope all is well.

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

September bye bye

Hello and goodbye to September, I will not miss it and hope and pray that October is at least bearable. 

 Frank got me a new mobile phone to replace the one that was supposedly lost on the train and apparently Samsung mobiles do not like blue toothing photos to an Apple Macbook. So when I have written this, I will have to put a few photos on here that I have taken recently.  I will have to put them in on the end so I do not have to do any fiddling with the written text.

Since I wrote last I heard about my new job which is a Medical Typist and will be starting on Monday and I have to travel Kings College Hospital in London.  I have never travelled at peak time and I really do not like loads of crowds so heres hoping I can do it.  Plus goodness knows what I am going to do if there is a problem on the trains which normally there is. I would panic because I do not know my way around Transport for London.  I have got too dependent on Frank for that!

I am really looking forward to actually seeing and speaking to real people during the day and not words on a screen, watching podcasts or the odd phone call once every few days.  

On the crafting front I have crocheted another wash cloth for a Christmas present and I finished my Grandsons Christmas Stocking.  Today I went to Romford to get out for a bit but to be honest, I felt really miserable and tearful so I got a few little bits quick and came straight home. 

I wanted to get a notebook to keep in my handbag for notes on my first day back at work and then I got a couple of stocking fillers for my Grand daughter.  It was really cold this morning when I went out at 9.30am but now its quite comfortable and just want to go to bed for a while. 

For the rest of the day plans, who knows!

Kings College 

Monday, 25 September 2017

Rich Tea Biscuits & A Cuppa

Pair 14 are now complete.  I am not happy with them even though Frank said he loves them.  I thought I had done the ankle longer but you can see they are not plus I definitely wont be using a mixture of yarns again on the ankle either.  The sewing in of threads makes me think that it is a weak point so I am going to rethink these.

I am going to have a break from socks for a while, I have to knit another 2 Christmas Stockings so have started on my Grandsons stocking today and am going to start a crochet design too.

I heard about my new job so I am waiting for a start date which hopefully will be next week and then I can hopefully get this depression abated.  

As I said in previous blogposts the past 1.5 years have been awful and the past few days have been worse than ever which has put me in a state of solitude and confinement. 
Being a Mum is the hardest job I have ever had to do and it is even harder now!  

So i am going to leave it at that and hope that in time, things will be better for everyone.

Monday, 18 September 2017

Computers and crafts

Hello, just showing off my second part of the Christmas wash cloth gift.  
I have had a few more ideas for wash cloths and to be honest, could design my own because they really are not that hard to do. 

This next photo is of Tipsy getting cosy on my Memories Mitred Blanket. I had a visit to the dentist on Thursday and felt quite exhausted after the treatment plus I had a bad night sleep too so wanted to have a nap.  Can you see Tammie by my foot, she was sulking because the cat had got near my chest first to cuddle up. 

Today 18.09.17 I went to register for a Ecdl course in Ilford and what should have been a short visit ended up being a 4 hour visit involving 6 assessments of what I know and don't know about computers.  I came out with such a headache after and eye strain but glad I did it and now going back to officially start getting my knowledge better for the future. 

When I came home I made a cuppa, had some biscuits and then sat  and completed a sock.  This one is ribbed on the top of the foot, plain underneath and quite a snuggly fit.  I started the second sock about 6.30pm and as of 10.30pm it is over half done.  

I would like to get another pair done by Friday evening so I can give as a birthday present to Frank. 

That means I have knitted him, since January 2017, 13 pairs of socks so far. I love doing them and got a few ideas going on in head too, plus I'm knitting them so much quicker which takes away the second socks syndrome. 

I'm off to bed now with paracetamol for the headache and tooth pain and plan to make myself pop out tomorrow for short while to get a bit of exercise. 

Thursday, 14 September 2017