Didnt Happen

I went to my new job all excited and got on the train at 7.30am. The station was getting a bit busy and then the train pulled in.  I could not believe it, every carriage was packed and I started to feel a bit odd.  I got on anyway, no seats available, and stood there squashed a bit but holding on and keeping my bag tight to my body.  As the train went on to other stations it was getting worse and started to feel rather odd.  By the time I got off to my destination I felt quite shaky, irritated and anxious.

I stepped off the train at Denmark Hill Station and to exit you have to go up 3 sets of stairs and believe me when I say this, it came to a standstill.  I got about 3 steps up and a queue formed. However, even though you stop others behind you are pushing and pushing and pushing and I was getting rather angry.  The shaking began again and eventually after about 5 minutes it started moving again and at the top of the stairs, I eventually swiped out with my oyster amongst a crazy crowd all going in the same direction.  I hated it, hated, hated it and knew I was going to spend the day worrying about commuting home.

I walked to Kings College Hospital to start my new day and pulled myself together to concentrate on the day ahead.  I enjoyed it, it was a lovely non rushed day of learning new things and by 4pm I was starting to get a bit anxious again because of the thought of going back on the commute.

I left at 5pm and started the journey back and it was horrendous.  Getting on the train you are squashed in and if your not quick enough to step on, you get pushed.  I do not know how I didnt turn round and say a few curse words.  Again, it was standing room only,  it was packed solid until 3 stops away from my stop and felt really anxious and shaky.  I spoke to my partner when I got home, (he does not live with me at the moment) and did not say anything about it because I knew he would be disappointed too but in the end, he was understanding.

I then spent the rest of the night not sleeping, crying, breathing strangely and getting terrible scenarios in my head of what could happen on that commute.  By 5am I decided that I could not cope with commuting like that no matter what the wage was, and e-mailed the manager to say the job was not for me due to the commute.  She was disappointed but not half as disappointed as I was because I never knew I would be like that on the train at peak time.  I know that the past year has caused me a lot of anxieties and effected my depression quite bad to the point of a breakdown in July but never thought it would affect me the way it has.  My family have all said the same thing and now its something else to cope with.

I spent the next few days at the lowest point, feeling sorry for myself, not wanting to get out of bed, not knowing how to cope anymore and feeling like it is just another let down in life.  My eldest son would ring me a couple of times a day to see if I was ok and each time I would just be crying and it has only been about a week now that I have stopped the random crying sessions.  I have continued applying for jobs every single day, sometimes twice a day and as of yesterday, after a second interview I now have another job offer which I start on Monday.   It is still roughly an hour commute but it is only one long bus ride which I am fine with so I have that to look forward to.  I will not say anymore about that just yet because I do not want to jinx it.

So for now I am hoping and praying that I can keep positive and that my life settles down a bit.  What I do want to say is that if you are one of those people that commutes at peak time no matter where you live, what job you do etc can you please give a bit of understanding to the people around you on the trains, buses, trams etc.